when I got out of the hospital, I was swaddled in a cocoon, self-protective….and I don’t know if I wriggled out of it too soon, but I’ve been swallowed in ever-growing fear and doubt of the future…which is crazy, because I’ve come so far. It’s hard for me to tell the difference between a possible mood swing or a genuine character flaw. Maybe it’s the same thing. Funny how I can feel so strong for others, but am so weak in defending my own borders. I know now that true bravery is having the courage to fight for myself. When will I get there?
If I didn’t define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people’s fantasies for me and eaten alive.
— Audre Lorde
lifestyle changes
….not for the faint of heart.
*zero alcohol
*minimal caffeination
*working out and getting sunshine
*spending less time in my head
*learning self-advocacy
*taking deep breaths
and above all,
enjoying life more than I ever have before. Things aren’t perfect and they never will be. But the air and sky and just the vibrating pulse of life is even more astounding than it was before. Drink deep, my friends. Life is beautiful, because our slice of it is only so thin. That’s the way it is for everything, from the tiniest ladybug to the most ancient of redwoods. Life in some form, will continue for billions of years in some sector of this universe. And I find comfort in that.
‘tis true.
I’m going to individual therapy for the first time in a few days, but even after two sessions of couple’s counseling, things are better. I recognize a lot of things that trigger my anxiety and tension. I take deep breaths to prevent my insides from reaching a slow boil. I’ve researched on how to deal with situations that are out of my control. I’m learning on how to confront the things that I can control.
I’m nervous as hell about my personal session, but I know it’s for the best. I want things to get better. I’m so, so grateful for this opportunity. I am humbled by the gift of life and I want to make the most of it.
By respect for life we become religious in a way that is elementary, profound and alive.
Impart as much as you can of your spiritual being to those who are on the road with you, and accept as something precious what comes back to you from them.
In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.
— Albert Schweitzer
trigger
I had no idea what that meant, in a practical sense, until last night. To me, spending days shaking in anxiety and anger was basically normal.
Trigger hippie…how ironic.
The positive side to all of this, is….wow - I can’t believe how painfully, stupidly obvious this is - knowing what’s wrong actually helps. Wow.
Step aside from things that don’t feel right to you.
Your life is yours. We spend so much time chasing after what we want that we don’t realize that we have been tolerating what we don’t want. If there are things in your life that don’t work for you, change them. If there are people in your life who bring you down, distance yourself from them. If you spend the majority of your time being miserable, start doing new things. Don’t settle when it comes to your life. Create a life you will love (and do it now).
“Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.” -Hardy D. JacksonIt’s easy to look at other people around you and try to emulate them. It’s easy to look at other people’s situations and wonder if that’s how you should be living your life. Let me save you some time and encourage you to ignore all that. Emulating others is boring. Being yourself is wonderful. Take some time to think about what you want and what you really don’t want. Figure out how to step aside from the ugly stuff and concentrate on the good stuff. Be honest with yourself. Dream big dreams, release insecurity, and do what feels right. Do what feels right for you.
<3
If any word could accurately describe what I’ve gone through the past couple of years, this would be it. From wikipedia:
Metanoia (from the Greek μετάνοια, metanoia, changing one’s mind) in the psychological theory of Carl Jung denotes a process of reforming the psyche as a form of self healing, a proposed explanation for the phenomenon of psychotic breakdown. Here, metanoia is viewed as a potentially productive process, and therefore patients’ psychotic episodes are not necessarily always to be thwarted.
In Carl Jung’s psychology, metanoia indicates a spontaneous attempt of the psyche to heal itself of unbearable conflict by melting down and then being reborn in a more adaptive form. Jung believed that psychotic episodes in particular could be understood as existential crises which were sometimes attempts at self-reparation. Jung’s concept of metanoia influenced R. D. Laing and the therapeutic community movement which aimed, ideally, to support people whilst they broke down and went through spontaneous healing, rather than thwarting such efforts at self-repair by strengthening their existing character defences and thereby maintaining the underlying conflict.
…Ideals give you a North Star, something to keep you pointed in the direction you want to go, if nothing else.
—
J. Jansen
-friend of mine, beautiful thought.
